Day +76 Moving Forward.

We spent the majority of last week sorting through the apartment. Pack? Donate? Toss? We made our way through seven months of stuff. It was far more emotional than I ever imagined. The cake pan used to bake Jack's first birthday cake? Pack. That winter coat that kept him toasty in Central Park all winter? Donate. reluctantly. A small forgotten bag of breast milk in the freezer? Deep breath. The last ever? Toss? God give me strength. It went on like this for several days. A necessary downsizing and reorganizing of our temporary city home. We had been putting it off for too long. Each delay in our departure date would lead Andy and Alison,our NYC angels, to cancel potential renters. Renters who write checks for a 4 day stay that equal 5 months of mortgage payments back home. Their compassion and kindness is extraordinary, but we couldn't keep letting them do this. It's just the two of us now, and tying up such an expansive space seemed silly. There were whole rooms we no longer ventured into.

Besides, we really don't know how long we're going to be here. Sam's counts haven't rebounded like they should have since his last hospital stay. They've talked about possibly giving another dose of donor cells. From the same donor or wait for a new one? We're not sure. It's out of our hands. The endless worrying, grasping for control, and yearning to be home with Jack have left me exhausted and miserable. My prayers have changed. When I hear a new departure date of sometime after the 4th, I breath in. I give thanks. Thanks for my worn, but still breathing husband sitting next to me. Thanks for the highly skilled and very cautious medical team keeping him that way. Giving thanks keeps me present. Giving thanks keeps me grounded. Giving thanks keeps my hands from lunging at the doctor's neck.

Sam has a PET scan scheduled for Wednesday. Until then we're settling into our new home across town at Hope Lodge. It's a different world over here. Definitely not the upper east side :) More posts to come.